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Monday Minute: Our “special needs” laundry service
One of the perks of living in NYC is door-to-door laundry service, which I have been gratefully utilizing since baby #3 was born. Our laundry is picked up in big bags and returned clean, folded and sorted. The delivery guy is usually the same and over time we’ve become friendly acquaintances, which means he’s definitely seen and heard more than he bargained for.
I’m incredibly grateful that he’s taken on my children with such good humor – over the last two years he has responded politely, even pleasantly, to horrifying comments such as “There’s poop in that bag because James had an accident today!,” “My brother barfed all over that laundry today – ewwww!” and “Will you get the poop and sand out of my swimsuit?”
When I sent James to answer the door I didn’t think there was too much to discuss regarding this week’s load, but leave it to James to find a way. Here is the most recent exchange between him and our laundry man (James is italics, I’m in bold italics, and the laundry man is in bold):
Hi!
Hey there.
My mom is getting the laundry for you.
Oh, ok.
Here are your dollars (holds out some crumpled dollars as a tip).
Thank you.
So, there’s no poop or barf in the laundry today. Pretty good, right?
(chuckles a little) Yep.
How do you feel?
Good, how about you?
How do you feel about no poop or barf in the laundry? Pretty happy, right?
You bet.
At this point I am able to mercifully bring this conversation to a halt as I reach the front door with two giant laundry bags.
Sorry about that.
It’s no trouble – I’ll see you tomorrow?
Yes, thanks. After 2pm, please.
No problem – have a nice evening!
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He’s so darn polite that I pretend not to notice how quickly he is able to exit our building with 30 pounds of laundry in tow.
Monday Minute: Just Another Manic Monday
For the full effect, you should imagine this conversation happening while my 3 year old rides around the house on her big wheels wearing her new helmet and 3D movie glasses, singing “Tomorrow” at the top of her lungs.
James is in italics, I am in bold.
Owwwwww! (Crying coming from James’s room)
What’s up, bud?
Adam bit me! (Holding finger)
That’s quite a bite mark, James. Why was your finger in Adam’s mouth?
I don’t know. It hurts!
Adam, say sorry to James for biting him. No biting!!
Adam: Sorry James! (Big smile) No biting.
I really hope Dad comes home soon. (starts crying again)
What, why?
I don’t know.
Well he’s working late again – what’s up?
Nothing. I just really miss him. I love that guy.
Okay, James, that’s very nice but you know he works late all the time. Why are you so upset?
Because Adam bit my finger and it hurts!
Adam: Sorry James! (Runs over and hits James)
Adam, say sorry! no hitting! Get out of here (hustle Adam out to the biking extravaganza in the next room).
He hit me!
I know.
And Margaret needs her scooter to be fixed!
Don’t worry, Dad will do that when he gets home (he has actually dismantled it since a little accident earlier in the week, pending arrival of aforementioned helmet). Okay well let’s get our teeth brushed so we can read before bed.
But my finger hurts.
I know, just humor me. Hey, guess what? We can read “Night Ride” in the Black Stallion book tonight!
(Stops crying, says in a normal voice). Let’s do this!
Monday Minute: High Expectations
Apparently I’m not the only one with high expectations in this family.
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My comments are in bold and James is in italics.
Guess what?! Tomorrow is a half day and since the weather will be nice I thought we could go on a picnic after I pick you up.
Just you and me?
Well, and your brother and sister…
Oh, okay.
But you can pick the food – what do you want me to make or pick up?
Well, since it’s a half day you could make us some fresh sushi!
Well, I don’t know if I’ll have enough time and that might not be a good picnic food for all of us. Anything else?
Ummm, turkey soup and stuffing?
That might be a little better for a dinner. Can you think of something that we don’t need to eat with a fork or spoon, like sandwiches or subs or burgers?
Hmmmm, you can eat sushi with your fingers.
Okay, what kind of sub do you want from Subway?
Chicken avocado. Oh and chips! And a drink.
Done.
Patience And Foortitude, Part 7? Asked And Answered (And Asked)
I’m pretty sure I wore a bewildered or bemused expression on my face for most of the evening, and am even more certain that it would be better to transcribe than to try and further explain the bizarre conversations I took part in today.
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3:30pm – walking home from school
James: Why do people yawn?
Me: Why do you think they yawn?
James: Because it’s morning.
Me: What?
James: And you know what morning means – breakfast.
Me: What does that have to do with yawning?
James: Why does that ambulance have its siren on?
Me: Why do you think?
James: Because it’s an emergency and someone is hurt.
Me: Why do fire trucks put sirens on?
James: To get to a fire.
Me: Why do police?
James: They put it on when they see robbers running away. Robbers steal toys from little children.
Me: What? How about the police help people in emergencies?
James: How do you like my haircut?
Me: I think it’s very handsome.
James: Why?
Me: Why what?
James: Why is it handsome?
Me: Why?
James: Because of Alex.
Me: Who’s Alex?
James: The man who cut my hair.
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4:45PM
Me (to Adam): Where is your peach?
A: Bath
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5:15PM
Me (to Margaret): Where are your underwear?
Marg: I need new ones.
Me: Again? Why?
Marg: Because I peed.
Me: In your underwear?
Marg: No! In the potty. I already wore those underwear.
Me: Are they wet?
Marg: No. I need fresh ones.
James: I need fresh ones too.
Me: What? Why?
James: I don’t know.
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5:25PM
James: Mom, can you come get this?
Me: what?
James: Mom, can you help me? Can you get this thing out of the shower?
Me: What? Is it a bug?
James: No.
Me: What is it?
James: I think it’s a piece of fruit.
Me: What?
James: It’s fruit.
Me: What fruit?
James: A peach.
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6:20PM – Dinner
Marg: Can I have a napkin?
Me (to James): Can you please pass this napkin to your sister?
James takes the napkin, wipes his mouth with it and crumples it into a ball next to his plate.
Me: James, can you please pass this napkin to your sister?
James takes the napkin, wipes his mouth with it and crumples it into a ball next to his plate.
Marg: Mom!
Me: James, can you please take this napkin and look at me? Can you not wipe your mouth with this one and pass it to your sister?
James does not respond, I toss a napkin to Marg across the table. Us girls share a look.
James: Can I get another shoulder?
Me: What?
James: Another shoulder of crackers?
Me: Do you mean another sleeve?
James: A pack of crackers?
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7:00PM
Me (checking the shower, oops): Where is the peach?
James: The peach?
Me: Where is it?
James: What peach?
Me: Where is the peach in the shower!?
James: Oh, you removed it.
Me: I did?
James: Yeah, you removed it.
Me: Where did I put it?
James: I don’t know.
Me: I don’t know either.
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Bonus Question: How many questions did I actually answer?
The Foorce 
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