The Foorce

You know how parents complain that they ask “what did you do today?” and the kids say “I don’t know” or “nothing.” Even if we actually didn’t do anything, I’m never going to hear those words. (Sometimes I think “nothing” could even be nice.)

Me: So guys, why don’t we each say our favorite thing we did this week. Mine was making clay habitats with you yesterday. what was yours?

Margaret: Going to the beach.

Me: Um, with who?

Margaret: With dad.

Me: You mean a few months ago? We talked about this, a week means you tell me your favorite thing in the last seven days.

Margaret: The. beach.

Me: James?

James: Mine was going to the Yankees game, where they won.

Me: You mean 2 years ago?

James: Yeah. Remember that?

Me: Adam, what was your favorite thing this week?

Adam: the astronaut new-sam.

Me: Where?

James: He means the Intrepid.

Brigid (my sister, our lucky guest): When were you there?

Me; None of us have ever been there except James…

Adam: No, I mean the poop new-sam! (laughs hysterically)

Me: Excuse me?

Adam: The poop new-sam! (kids all start guffawing like fools)

Brigid: Seriously?

Me: Ugh, no, I think he’s serious. Do you mean the science museum?

Adam: Yeah!

Me: He means the science museum where we made poop. In August.

Brigid: What?!

Margaret: And smelled armpits.

Me: She’s not kidding. It was a whole “grossology” exhibit.

Brigid: That sounds so… gross.

Me: That’s enough guys, this is what we did. Monday we went to Chelsea piers, Tuesday we had history class and learned about the ice age and played candy store, Wed was Ian’s birthday, Thursday we learned about desert and ocean habitats and today we had our botany class in Central Park. Now what was your favorite day?!?!

(complete silence, then…)

Adam: The poop new-sam. (kids become hysterical)

(I get up, walk over and tip Adam’s chair back)

Adam: I promise – I’m done! I’m done!

Me: Don’t say poop again.

Adam: okay, okay!

(right the chair)

Adam: Da Da! (all kids burst into giggles again)

Me (to Brigid): What does that even mean?

Adam: DA DA!!! (Kids are screeching with laughter)

Brigid: So my favorite day was the nature walk in Central Park today…

Adam: DAAAAADAAAAAAAAAA!

Me: Okay, that’s enough! (go back and tip chair)

Adam: Okay, okay!

Me: Not. Another. Sound. Be. QUIET.

Adam (whispers): Okay.

(right chair)

Adam is silent.

Kids stare at each other, stunned.

And then burst out laughing.