The Foorce

So last week I jumped around for a minute of related material spread over the course of the day. This week is the exact opposite – the entire conversation happened during a matter of minutes and was bizarrely and loosely connected at best.

Setting: Dinnertime. Children eating broccoli quiche, belgian waffles and hot dogs (we were out of sausage so I improvised). The unusual array of condiments at the table was probably partially to blame for what follows – syrup, chocolate sauce, ketchup, and mustard were all needed because of the presence of both waffles and hot dogs. So it should come as no surprise that James had his waffles lathered in mustard, M dipped hers in ketchup and A was using the chocolate sauce (for his waffles and hot dogs).

Key (there are too many people in this house): J = James, M= Margaret, A= Adam and I am in bold.

J: Can I have some more waffles?

You just had 4 pieces.

J: But I want one with ketchup.

James, that’s so gross.

M: No, it’s good, see? (holds up waffle dripping with ketchup)

J: And chocolate syrup.

No, you need to pick one dip at a time.

(Sighing, I get up and proceed to the kitchen to take another waffle off of the iron)

J: Margaret, stop it! Stoooooppppppp!

(calling from kitchen) Margaret, stop. James, stop yelling at your sister!

(walking back into the dining room I find M 2 inches from James with her lips pursed)

Margaret, leave James alone!

M: I’m just teaching James manners – look, look at his mouth!

It is also rude to point in someone’s face.

M: But his mouth is wide open.

(I feel bad about my table manners obsession momentarily, until James puts 6 inches of quiche crust into his mouth at once)

J (mumbling through the crumbs): No it’s not.

James, that was 5 or 6 bites, not 1.

M: Yeah, James.

J: Stop it!

Okay everyone stop talking to each other unless it’s pleasant. James, did you have a fun day with Scott and Kristin?

J: Yeah. So, I really love Kristin (his stepmother).

That’s great – did you have a fun day at the zoo with them today?

J: Yeah. Did you know Scott is married to her?

Yep.

J: Whoa. So how did he get married to her?

The same way I married Dad. Remember?

J: Oh – yeah.

M: Scott is a prince.

What?

M: And Kristin is a princess so they got married.

Okay.

M (to me): You can still be a ghost, if you want.

A: And I’m a witch!

M: And I’ll be Dorothy.

Finish dinner or we’ll run out of time for a movie night. Please.

M: You’re not a witch, you’re 1. And I’m 3.

A: No I’m 3 and you’re 1.

J: And I’m 12. Can I have some more waffles?

No, you can finish your other food but no more waffles.

M: May I be excused?

Yes, go ahead.

M: I’m going to the bathroom before our movie time. Don’t start it until I get back!

J: Can I have one more –

Not. Another. Waffle. Not one more bite.

(A immediately shoves his entire remaining waffle into his mouth at once)

J: Mom, look, Adam is not using good manners!

(Adam starts to gag)

Adam, you spit that out right now!

(Adam promptly throws up on the dining room floor)

M (from upstairs): Mommmmmm, I pooped!

J: Am I being good now, Mom? Am I using my good manners?